英语幽默笑话

01
  班级、情人和蠢驴

  Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: "Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow." A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the "c" in the word "class." The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the "c" erased--calmly walked up and erased the "l" in "lass", looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.

  汤姆教授打算第二天与他的学生见面,因此他在黑板上写道:“汤姆教授明天将和大家见面”。一位学生看到这条通知后,觉得展示自己幽默感的机会来了,就走上前,将“class”中的“c”擦掉,教授听到笑声,转过身走回来,看了看那位学生,又看看被改动过的通知,不动声色地走上前,把“lass” 中的“l”擦掉,看了看那位目瞪口呆的学生,教授扬长而去。

  小女孩的愿望

  On the way home after watching a ballet performance, the kindergarten teacher asked her students what they thought of it. The smallest girl in the class said she wished the dancers were taller so that they would not have to stand on their toes all the time.

  在观看完芭蕾舞表演回家的路上,幼儿园老师问学生的观后感。班上最小的女孩说,她希望舞蹈演员可以长得更高一点儿,那么他们就不用整天踮着脚尖了。

  狗也知道这个谚语吗?

  The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.

  "It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"

  "Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"

  一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。

  “没有关系,”一位先生“啊,我是知道,可是狗也知道吗?”

英语幽默笑话集锦

02
  现在几点了

  The two boys were camping in the backyard. When they couldn't figure out what time it was, the first boy said to the second, "Start singing very loud."

  "How will that help?" said the second boy.

  "Just do it," insisted the first.

  Both boys broke into song, singing at the top of their lungs. Moments later, a neighbor threw open her window and shouted, "Keep it down! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?"

  两个男孩子在后院露营,他们不知道到了晚上几点钟。于是,一个男孩对另外一个说:“我们开始大声唱歌就行了。”

  “那就会知道时间吗?”第二个男孩问。

  “只管唱吧。”第一个坚持道。

  两个孩子开始大声唱歌,过了一会儿,一个邻居打开窗户喊道:“小声点!你们不知道现在是凌晨三点吗?”

  电脑问题

  I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges,delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas. After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of yellow paper?"

  我在惠普公司打印机部做技术支持工作已经有一个月了,有一天我接到一位客户的电话,她的问题我没办法解决。她的问题是:打印机不能打出来黄色,但是其它颜色都正常。这让我觉得很纳闷,因为三原色就是蓝、红、黄。我建议客户更换墨盒、删了驱动程序然后重新安装,但是都没有效果。我咨询同事们,他们也不知道该怎么办。经过两个多小时的交涉,我打算让客户把打印机寄给我们,这时候她平静地说了一句:“我是不是应该把这张黄纸扔了换一张白纸再打印试试。”

  CD唱机

  While shopping for my first CD player, I was able to decipher most of the technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled, though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?That means, she said, that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into music.In other words this CD player plays CDs.Exactly.

  在购买我的第一部CD唱机时,我能够解读推销标记上面的大多数技术语言。但是有一个标示却让我颇为迷惑,于是我叫过销售商,问道:‘混合脉冲D/A变换器’是什么意思?它的意思是,她说,这个机器能够读CD碟上加码的数字信息,将它转换成声音信息-也就是说,转换成音乐。换句话说,这个CD唱机能够播放CD碟。正是如此。

英语幽默笑话带翻译

03
  小女孩的愿望

  On the way home after watching a ballet performance, the kindergarten teacher asked her students what they thought of it. The smallest girl in the class said she wished the dancers were taller so that they would not have to stand on their toes all the time.

  在观看完芭蕾舞表演回家的路上,幼儿园老师问学生的观后感。班上最小的女孩说,她希望舞蹈演员可以长得更高一点儿,那么他们就不用整天踮着脚尖了。

  狗也知道这个谚语吗?

  The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.

  "It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"

  "Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"

  一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。

  “没有关系,”一位先生“啊,我是知道,可是狗也知道吗?”

  不是我的错

  It's not my fault

  Mother (reprimanding训斥,谴责 her small daughter): You mustn't pull the cat's tail.

  Daughter: I'm only holding it, Mom. The cat's doing the pulling.

  不是我的错

  妈妈(正教训她的女儿):你不该拽猫的尾巴。

  女儿:妈,我只是握着猫尾巴,它自己在拽。

  父亲在哪?

  Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.

  "Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"

  "Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"

  The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."

  兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。

  “看,”哥哥说,“这些画多漂亮呀!”

  “是啊,”弟弟说道,“可是在所有这些画中,只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢?”

  哥哥想了一会儿,然后解释道:“很明显,他当时正在画这些画呗。”

  两块蛋糕

  Two Pieces of Cake

  Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?

  Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two!

  两块蛋糕

  汤姆:妈妈,我可以吃两块蛋糕吗?

  妈妈:当然可以----拿这块蛋糕把它切成两块吧!

  I do not recognize you

  Walking on the beach one day he saw a crab1, went to see what happens, suddenly crab pincers(钳子) folder2, then crab bush run. Tiger jumped the pain, followed by the recovery of crabs3!

  Catch up with no trees on the crab, and then to see a tiger in Shou Network spiders, tiger angry at Spider: Good you a crab! Do you think you posted on the Web and I do not recognize you!

  一天老虎在沙滩散步,见到一只螃蟹,就走过去想看个究竟,突然被螃蟹的钳子夹了一下,螃蟹拔腿就往树丛里跑。老虎痛得跳起来了,紧接着就追螃蟹!

  追到树丛就不见螃蟹了,这时老虎看见一只守在大网中的蜘蛛,老虎对着蜘蛛发火了:好你个螃蟹!你以为你上了网我就不认得你了!

英语幽默小笑话

04
  A Smart Parrot 聪明的鹦鹉

  A curious guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. There he sees a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's right leg. He asks the owner the significance of the strings1. "Well, this is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string he speaks French; if you pull the green string he speaks German," replies the shop keeper.

  "And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper inquires.

  "I fall off my perch2 you fool!!" screeches3 the parrot.

  有个人去宠物店买鹦鹉。在那里,他看见有只鹦鹉的左腿被红线系住,右腿则被绿线系住。对此他感到不解,于是他问该店的老板,老板回答说:“这只鹦鹉受过特殊的训练。如果拉红线,它就讲法语,拉绿线,它则讲德语。”

  这个好奇的人接着问,“要是我两条线都拉,会怎么样呢?”

  “我就会掉下来了,你这个傻瓜!!”鹦鹉尖叫着说。

  Not so fast 别那么急嘛

  A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala(欢庆的) charity event was taking place.

  Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

  "Great idea!" the chicken cried."Let's offer hem1 ham and eggs?"

  "Not so fast," said the pig testily2. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."

  一只猪和一只鸡路过一所教堂,那里有一场盛大慈善活动正在进行着。

  在精神上收到触动的猪向小鸡提出建议:他们每个人作出点自己的贡献。

  “好主意!”鸡尖叫道,“让我们给腿和鸡蛋吧?”

  “着什么急”猪不耐烦地说,“对你来说,是一个贡献,对我来说,这是一个完全的献身。”

  The boy and the snails 男孩和蜗牛

  A farmer's boy went looking for snails, and, when he had picked up both his hands full, he set about making a fire at which to roast them; for he meant to eat them. When it got well alight and the snails began to feel the heat, they gradually withdrew more and more into their shells with the hissing noise they always make when they do so. When the boy heard it, he said, "You abandoned creatures, how can you find heart to whistle when your houses are burning?"

  一个乡下少年到处寻找蜗牛,当他双手都塞满了蜗牛后,就准备点火烤着吃。火点着了,蜗牛也开始感觉到热了,他们纷纷退向坚壳的深处,同时还发出“咝咝”的噪音。男孩子听到了蜗牛发出的嘘声,便说:“你们这些连命都快没有的家伙,怎么还能有心情在窝里着火时吹口哨呢?”

  Don't Argue with Children 不要和小孩争论

  A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

  The teacher said it was physically1 impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

  The little girl stated that a whale swallowed Jonah.

  Irritated, the teacher reiterated2 that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

  The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

  The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

  The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

  一个小女孩和她的老师正在谈论有关鲸鱼的事情。

  她的老师说:“一头鲸鱼从身体构造的角度看,是不可能吞掉一个人的。因为尽管鲸鱼是一种非常巨大的哺乳动物,可它的嗓子非常小。”

  那个小女孩说约拿(一位西伯来先知)就是被鲸鱼吞掉的。

  她的老师非常生气,她再次告诉小女孩说:“从身体构造角度来讲,鲸鱼是不可能吞掉一个人的。”

  那个小女孩说:“那等我到了天堂,就去问问约拿。”

  她的老师问:“那么,假如约拿下了地狱怎么办?”

  那个小女孩回答:“如果是那样的话,你就去问他。”

  A Duel 决斗

  Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody1 nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

  It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. His father asked his son what happened. "Well, Dad," said Pete, "I challenged Larry to a duel2. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

  "Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

  "I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"

  小彼得从操场回到家时,鼻子流血、黑眼圈及被撕破了衣服。

  显然他刚与人恶斗了一番,而且打输了。父亲问儿子发生了什么事。“噢,爸爸,彼得说,我向拉里挑起决斗,而且我让他挑选武器。”

  “嗯,”父亲说,“这看上去很公平!”

  “我知道,但我没想到他选择了他姐姐!”

  Neither 都不是

  It was local election time and the candidate was visiting all the houses in his area.

  At one house a small boy answered the door. "Tell me, young man," said the politician. "Is your Mommy in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party?"

  "Neither," said the child, "she's in the bathroom."

  正值当地竞选时期,候选人到他的区域的千家万户登门拜访。

  候选人来到了一家门口,一个小男孩开了门。“告诉我,年轻人,”候选人问道,“你母亲是在共和党还是在民主党?”

  “都不是,”孩子答到,“她在浴室。”